Confidence

Kathy · Confidence

Not sure where to put this topic so here it is!

Someone asked in the Potting shed if there was anything I couldn't do and it got me thinking to how I've changed in the confidence department and how it came about.

I had no confidence at all, knitting I was taught by grandmother, ditto cooking......then my Father gave me a tempermental computer he got fed up with. I got so fed up spending vast amounts of money to get it fixed (it ususally came back in a worse state) that I plucked up the courage to go to college and learn how to do it myself (I was 45 with no education since I was 15). I graduated 3 yrs later in Computing Tech support top of the class.

What I discovered was an ability to do most things if I had the courage to try. I not only love all things computer related but in fact will now try most things that takes my fancy, and yes, I would even try bungee jumping!

Going to college and the Internet changed my life in ways I can't describe here, hence all the smiley faces on my posts!

I just wondered about other people's experiences, if they love the challenge of trying new things, if they have the confidence and, where did that confidence come from. Smile

Haize

There are so many aspects to confidence, that is quite a complex question. I'm not a confident person when face to face with others (except friends), so over the years I've had great help from the internet, where I can ask away all my silly questions, and not need to get too embarrassed!

My confidence in some areas has taken a massive hit recently, with the problems with concentration, memory, reading and so on I've had in the past year. Where before I felt like I could learn anything I put my mind to, I now worry that my work is beyond me, which is not a nice feeling.

But on the bright side, my confidence to try new things is as good as ever! I guess that came from my parents: my mum would try any craft she fancied, and taught herself lace making, etc.. My dad loves to adapt things: for instance the seat they bought for in the shower was just a little weaker than you'd hope (!), so he went to the garage and figured a way to strengthen it.

So this year I've had my first go at tiling, plastering, we've put in central heating, and all kinds of things that really weren't that scary when you get into them! We've made plenty of mistakes, but so long as you realise that nearly everything can be reworked or repaired if you do mess up, this doesn't need to shake your confidence.

lloyd

My confidence and self esteem were nuked when my (then) wife asked for divorce. I was at the bottom of the heap in many ways. Since then with Cp's help, I have learned that I have good and attractive qualities. I am in my second job in the 12 months since then, progressive moves. I am able to enjoy my interests better with someone who shares them, and am now applying for a job which will double my salary. I am told by those close to me that I am a totally different person to the one 12 or even 24 or 36 months ago. Who knows where this will all end?Sometimes it takes big life changes to help you see yourself from the outside and look critically at where you are and where you want to be. Thank you for this post Kathy, it's already made me stop and think...as I'm sure it is doing with others!

lottie

I was the one who asked was there nothing you couldn't do or tackle and the bungee jumping Laughing

What great posts and such a good topic Kathy.

My confidence such as it is has come with Autumn years. When I am confronted people who are younger than my children, who I have to deal with (as when I bought my new to me car), and I get unacceptable service, I am confident to be assertive, without being bossy or rude or argumentative, but in a quiet firm way, and can get problems resolved in a satisfactory manner - and usually gain 'compensation' in goods in kind for my inconvenience.

In my younger days I would not have said boo to a goose, but life has a way of teaching us lessons - we just have to absorb those along the way an learn from them.

Another recent thing was a problem with my mobile phone company - getting a sim card re-instated. Three days, ages hanging on the end of the phone, explaining to each person - you know the drill.

One more try today, polite, but firm, phone now sorted asap and a month's rental credited to my account for all my trouble.

On the other hand - a young fearless tomboy who thought nothing of shinning up a tree to escape 'toughies', would no more do a bungee jump, than fly to the moon Rolling Eyes

Look down from a great height - no thank you. Rolling Eyes

Leonie2

This is a very interesting thread and so nice to read about other people experiences, you're right lloyd, it does make you stop and think. I'm not the most confident person in the world, like Haize this is more so when face to face with people I don't know, I'm quietly confident but not openly confident. But as I'm getting older I can feel that I am accepting myself and becoming confident about who I am more and I don't worry so much about what other people might think of me. I thrive on learning, if I'm not learning I'm bored, so this is what drives me to try new things and I guess why I enjoy IT so much, you never run out of something new to learn. But the same goes for gardening, cooking and all the craft type things I get involved in, I guess I enjoy the creative side too and that gives inspiration to try new things. Kathy, I'm beginning to learn too that if you put your mind to something it's not impossible, some things may be more challenging but they're not always impossible.

Libby

I sat and thought for ages about this one............................
I used to be a very confident person could tackle anything and everything. Now I'm like a butterfly I like to flit try different things get bored try something else so I suppose I have the confidence to have a go at anything (except bungee jumping I don't do heights!!!!!!) crafty or hands on.
People are a different kettle of fish, this is why I like the internet, I don't have to meet you all!! (no offence) I have very low self esteem, I've been let down by many friends so I suppose I have isolated myself. I'm not the best communicator since the ME, I can't think quickly enough so if a battle needs to be fought I have to drag along my supportive hubby.
I sound sad, but I'm not really, my family mean the world to me, we laugh so much! I must admit joining this forum has done me so much good you wouldn't believe it!!!!!

Aqui

It's interesting to read others' experiences of this.

As a kid I was terrified of everything, and particularly everyone after being horribly bullied. by the time I was doing my A-levels I was so withdrawn I never really spoke to anyone. Much preferred my own company, but thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't have any friends.

All I can see is thank the goddess for horses, without them, I don't know where I'd be. I was always happy around the horses (apart from when my confidence with them took a knock).

After meeting T - almost 12 years ago now. My confidence started to grow, then occassionally took a dive when things got a bit weird (no details there). It all took a dive even further about four years ago - due to my work and my then horse. I was then made redundant and sold the horse after he broke my arm and things have been on the up since then! This is also about the time when I started gardening and found my spirituality.

I then got a new job, where I have actually managed to make some very close friends and every says I've really grown during this time. I love it! Also getting more in touch with my creativity (mostly gardening and dabbling with some other crafts), the spiritual thing and stuff with T have left me relatively confident.

Although sometimes I think it's not so much confidence as not giving a thingy what other people think. (Although I still am scared of meeting new people and talking to most people on the phone - I agree with you Libby - internet is great for that!)

Craft confidence - well I'll give most things a try, but they usually take me ages of thinknig before I jump in.

Since being pregnant my confidence has grown even more.

T always tells me I am the bravest person he's ever met. But I don't believe him - he's the bravest person I've ever met!

Kathy

You come across as very confident Aqui, it's interesting to hear everyone's experiences and how we portray ourselves online.
One other thought I had was that fear has to be the reason why people can't/won't try things. Fear of failure, ridicule, pain (in the case of bungee jumping!). What do you thnk?

Libby

Fear of heights!!!!!!!!
I can be high up and look out, I just can't look down! I've been on the London Eye, I had to sit in the middle and just looked out! Also when we where in Cape Town I did the cable car up Table Mountain, going up I just looked towards the mountain, coming back down I stood right at the back and looked forward, this was before they had those circular moving ones!!!

Cabbagepatch

wow. thank you kathy for this.

i'm not sure what to say, i've sat here, read through everyone's posts and been touched by all of them. i think deep down we all have the same fears, needs and desires. to love, be loved, enjoy our lives and see our nearest and dearest happy and enjoying their lives as well.

it is true that the more we endeavour and stretch ourselves....sometimes very very scarey.....the more we get out life. anyway, i am generalising.

my answer to this thread is um........

i have low self esteem in some ways and in others i feel proud of myself for everything i have achieved, mostly surviving a difficult childhood and not feeling bitter (that has taken me a long time) , i have brought up my children on my own and i am incredibly proud of them.

I wobble from making myself do difficult things that really scare me but afterwards i reel from the adrenalin for days to hiding under the duvet and not wanting to face the world at all.

i don't think i'm making much sense at all so shall go and have a cup of tea now.

hmm...is there a counseller nearby?......

Guest

Like many here I read this and went away for a think!
Confidence? yes I would say I had confidence..like CP I did not have an easy childhood, infact I was very frightened by my natural father but mum had her priorities right and I guess I never sensed any of her anxieties and there must have been lots. I never saw him again until I was 12, when he called to see us and got my name wrong, he called me Diane! Some people would get really upset by such an insult, but as he was an absolute ******* such behaviour is to be expected.
Mum worked hard, she was 1 of 5 and the only one who really worked hard at school and subsequently college. She taught me the importance of education, it is a passport to a choice of future.
Mum's family was very poor and yet they were all so happy and fun to be with, always laughing in the face of adversity...great stories were told about the war and their struggles.
At primary school I was the only one from a one-parent family and always felt different, my teacher had no empathy in any shape or form. On one occasion there was an incident about my free school dinner.......where I was shown up in front of the whole school.....as a result my family all clubbed together so I didn't suffer further ridicule.
I had many friends in the street but preferred to stay at home and draw, write and play with my SindyDoll. At the age of 8 mum bought me a typewriter and mum taught me to type.
Mum re-married when I was 15 and having a loving Dad certainly was the making of me as a whole person. Mum had met him at ICI where she was a secretary and he was a training officer.He came to our house for the first time when I was 7 and put lights in my doll's house. He always said he was more nervous than I was.
Having the stability of a complete unit certainly gave me an inner confidence, because I felt secure and looked after.
I only lived at home for a few years as I was studying so eventually I left home for university and subsequently moved away to my first teaching job.

I was away for nearly 10 years and only returned home when Dad died.
Roles had changed and now it was my time to look after mum...this was difficult for both of us as we were both so much like each other! I met Jon and was married in 1988.

Mum was always proud of my teaching career and was thrilled when I became deputy headteacher, shortly afterwards she died.

I was promoted around the same time and moved to a school where my confidence took a severe setback. It was a painful time and in the end both Jon and I decided I should walk away, which I did.

My salary stopped, but we managed. For the first time I was in charge of the money management situation....totally unheard of.

What was important was our quality of home life.

To be able to do what I am doing now , ie to be creative and productive I have to feel at peace and at one with everything, some days it just doesn't happen and I have to work at it....but things are improving.I feel inspired when I am working, and everything that has happened, both good and bad bears relevance in the appreciation of all that I try to create.

Moving to a rural area has had a great relevance to my confidence as I am more at peace with my surroundings and appreciative of my home.

Phew...............I think that's it!

TheGirlsMum

Wow everybody!

This is so difficult to reply to. Everybody has had their trying times but..... have worked hard, not given up (completely) and pulled through stronger.

It is easy to think I don't want to come out today and why me? But it good to know it isn't only me and if you can do it, then why not me?

I won't mention my childhood as that is a saga in itself, but 13 years ago I was involved in a car crash where my husband of 7 months was killed at the side of me. I spent a long time in hospital and had to learn that my wheel chair would be thrown a way one day.

I had to learn there was a reason why I didn't die that day too. I now have a new very loving husband and two wonderful girls I am very proud of, miricles do happen, twice. Embarassed

Kathy

My goodness, lots of different life experiences, some very moving stories. What a resilient lot we are and having a place like this to share is wonderful, thankyou. Very Happy

Becki

TGM

That was very moving. I have had a similar experience, although not as tragic. It was the people in the car that hit us that died, not someone precious.

I have ups and downs with my confidence. Sometimes I think I can achieve anything, (especially after nearly dying) sometimes I struggle to get out the door. Gotta keep trying though Very Happy

TheGirlsMum

The person who hit us Becki, broke his arm and was very drunk in the middle of the afternoon. He tried foe two years to plead not guilty but eventually his 4th solicitor told him he must!!!

Keep going Becki, every day is a triumph.

Becki

The people who hit us were drunk too. Didn't have to plead anything because the front 2 died and the others walked away. I find it extremely difficult to be compassionate about that.
They were playing chicken over a crossroads, going 100mph with no lights on. I'm not going into my injuries because most people find it hard to take. I really can empathise with you, and I don't mean that to sound patronising but sometimes it helps to know your not the only one who's been through it. I know I didn't lose anyone close, but I still understand Smile

TheGirlsMum

Thanks Becki, this is the first time Ive ever spoken with anyone who has been through the car accident thing. Perhaps we can swop scar stories sometime!
I do find it hard when my daughter mentions my "zips", to know quite how much to tell her.

Becki

You can P.M me if you want to chat Very Happy

TheGirlsMum

Will take you up on that another day. Thanks

Becki

No probs

Aqui

My goodness - Reading these is very harrowing. So much adversity. But I always think it makes you a stronger person after the fight to get over it.

Kathy - it's interesting that you think I come across as confident - I know I speak my mind (something I've only just been able to do) and I probably hide my more wobbly moments from you all! I've found it useful to pretend I am not scared - eventually then you are actually not scared!

You're right about fear. It's what always stops me - the fear of getting hurt or of messing up. I'm surprised I'm not more worried about becoming a parent - I have moments like that, but then I realise that it'll be ok and we'll do our best. Mostly what stops my creativity is fear of messing it up - I bought that material to cover the chair months ago and haven't got much further than toying with it. I have found in the past that doing things that frighten me is incredibly confidence building! I remember the first time I hacked out J by myself - I got back to the yard beaming and then burst into tears because I was so happy! Now I just need to apply that to sewing!

Saddly in the past someone has taught me (unintentionally) that it is better to not do than to do and get it wrong. But I don't blame this person now - I realise that someone before has taught this person the same. I am determined not to pass this on to my children.

T suffers from the same - he lacks the confidence to get started. He realised yesterday that he doesn't actually do anything - well he does - he dabbles with writing and coming up with ideas. He thoroughly entertains me with stupid characters (and I'm sure he will do the same for our son). And he assists in all my projects. He's now decided to learn the guitar. He used to play music, but gave it up as a teenager. He has a guitar somewhere. Lovely for the baby too. (And I canNOT do music, so I will not take over!)

redwillowrose

I never used to have any confidence at all, when I think back of all the things I`ve gone through, well I suppose I can see why, I cant even mention some of the things, at the moment, as a couple of them I`ve never told anyone. I went through a horrible marriage for 14 years, then met my 2nd husband, It took me a long time to build my confidence up .
Then, 4 years ao , when i was 50 I started a completely different job, the same job I`m still in. This job has given me much more confidence, and I feel much better about myself.