Divorce...

morlan75 · Divorce...

Divorce...

Mmmmm I'm just going through one right now after 13 years being married it's abit of a shock when you get nasty letters and papers through the post (even though it was me ran off a year ago last month).

The cost's, the muck slinging, the hassle why do we put ourselves through it to line the pockets of "Others" I ask myself.
No easy solution I'm guessing when it comes to a breakdown in marriage. If I'm thinking like this now on the start of this roller coaster ride what the hell am I going to be like when it's ended Laughing

Anyone else been through this hellish experience and have any advice?

Kathy

I haven't been through this but know plenty of people who have and they've all dealt with it differently. One friend was married for 27yrs, when hubby took off with a younger model. She got very practical, sorted out the money side of things, (she's always had well paid job) told him what was happening via text messages, worked extra hours, socialised a lot and cried quietly in her quiet moments.
My SIL couldn't be bothered with the hassle of fighting over money, let her hubby go away with the lions share but doesn't regret it as she just wanted to be free of him.
My Uncle left my Aunt when he was 63, took off with a 23 yr old lodger (they had a B&B), she got up to a note on the kitchen table poor woman. She didn't get bitter and has stayed the lovely gentle Aunt I grew up with.
One of my sisters stayed friends with her ex, they still see each other occasionally but he was the messiest person I've ever met, I don't think I could have lived with him lovely though he is!

My only advice is not to get involved with any mud slinging and if things are acrimonious do everything through your lawyer. Good luck with it, we're here to lend an ear should you need one. Smile

Libby

sorry I can't offer advice but as Kathy said we are here for you Very Happy

Jacky

What sort of advice would you like? I have been divorced twice. Confused

Husband no.1 and I are still friends, still see and talk a lot, even after 22 years a part. Husband no.2 is not allowed anywhere near us ... changed names and countys Sad

that started 13 years ago.

So I have done it both ways (nice and horrible), so I maybe able to assist Wink

morlan75

thanks for the support everyone Very Happy

Nothing as yet... has kicked off sent some "nasties" back to my solicitor saturday but I'm sure somethings going to be disruptive when he gets my response over property and stuff Confused

I'm due this month to go back and collect some of my things and don't want any trouble... guess I'll just have to wait and see if I get an irate phonecall Laughing

polgara

If you think there may be trouble, maybe your solicitor can fix up an escort for you, it`s worth asking.

Beccy

I got through it by thinking, surely at some point it has to get better it can't keep being like this..................and the good news is that it does eventually improve.

Two pieces of advice I was given were, dont' rise to any bait, if he calls and gets irrate simply say its down to the solicitors now we must let them sort it out they are the experts and hang up, say it politely and calmly. Log everything, phonecalls letters texts etc its easy to forget things which could be important later.

You most definately need someone else present when you go back to the house, I would suggest you both do actually, to make sure eveything is kept on an even keel.

Also, if there are problems, phonecalls or unpleasant texts let your solicitor know, mine wrote to his solicitor and he was quite simply told to have no contact with me except through solicitors.

One day, in the not too distant future, relatively speaking, it will be all over, you will feel drainedand sad also relieved and then you will start to rebuild. Very Happy

I am two years down the line from leaving and now life is so much more peaceful and settled, it does all work out Very Happy

morlan75

Thanks so much Beccy for that advise, I'm trying to keep a straight head and as you say and proved keep calm it's seriously hard but I'm trying Smile

My BF will be coming with me to Coventry wich is going to be tuff my ex has spoken to him on the phone, nothing nasty but I can't switch off from being abit wary at the moment, not that he's ever been violent to me but all the same I'm not over trusting in most situations. I just want to get in there for my things and out as quick as possible, in fact I don't really wont to go back at all Sad

but I suppose I owe the ex at least to remove my carp from the house.

Nothings ever simple! Laughing

Jacky

I hope these comments aren't hurtful, they are meant as an idea to help you through this yucky bit ...

Does you ex know why you left; you fell out of love or you fell in love with your OH and you just couldn't not live with this new man. i.e. is your ex a nice man but not exciting / emotional / cuddly etc or was he a not so nice man, so that when a nice man came along and treated you how you wanted to be treated you left.

I just wondered if you could write him a really plain english (no emotion/blame), perhaps even a nice letter, maybe even saying how sorry you are for the hurt caused (if he was a nice man but just not right for you, iykwim) or just explaining 'why'. It might not help the situation right now but as time goes by at least he will know why it all happened and his life changed.

Written in friendship x

morlan75

Jacky

Just pleased you read the post as I meant it, was a bit wobbly, wondering if I had written the right thing Rolling Eyes

Is taking you BF into your old house the right move or do you think they (both males (even the gentlest of males are still males) will be ok together), could you not take another female friend actually into the house with you, you might find it easier all round. I just know when I helped a friend do the same thing, even with me there it wasn't easy. Sad

Anyway good luck and I hope you can get your pocessions back, that you have lived without for quite a long time now.

Libby

I second what Jacky says, no offence ment to BF but it is not so confrontational (sp?) if maybe a girlfriend went with you? Where abouts does ex live?

polgara

Personally I would say BF is actually thae last person to take, a girl friend is a much better idea. Make sure your solicitor is aware of when you are going.

morlan75

Hiya all

I have to agree with all your advice but major problem I can't actually drive at the moment... and it's just me and the OH no one else at all that I could go with Richies daughter would probably come with me but tbh she's got 4 kids dependant on her 24/7 and not been 100% well lately so really don't want my stuff stressing her out as well, mmm bit of a situation all this. I think I'm going to have to play this seriously carefully somehow.

MrsWW

Good advice given there Jen - best if a girlfriend is around as BF may unintentionally inflame the situation. I know the situation you're in and my heart goes out to you. If you need a shoulder to cry on whinge at, generally shout/scream at - you know where I am Wink

Good luck with getting your belongings into your new home Wink

Libby

A difficult one, so if Richie drives then maybe he needs to remain in the car. It would be better if you could take someone in with you though! Is there alot of stuff to collect?

Daisy Bell

I am lucky in the respect that my husband 12 years moved out the beginning of august ,it was muteral and we still get on and i wouldnt have it any other way ,we have a child together and we both know that he would be the only one to lose out should we fall out,.

mogs

if the situation in the marriage was abusive, then a police escort is the only way to go......

i have been there, had my life threatened by my ex, and the police were happy to step in....they did need proof tho beforehand, but the records they had were enough.....i had had many hospital visits with broken bones and bruising from him over the 10 years we were married, and lots of photos the police had taken of actual harm he had caused me.

i was worried at the time, because the police were not on the top of the favourite peoples list with our lot....and walking onto a site with an escort was a bit hairy i can tell you.

we had tried negotiations with families, but to be honest, it got us nowhere, and there was always the threat of a war being started..

everything turned out fine in the end, that was back in '81 and we all speak to each other again now....well we have to really as we do tend to bump into each other alot at sales etc.

taking a man with you, whether b/f or not, could inflame the situation, but on the other hand, taking a female with you might make you vulnerable......a person of authority might be the way to go.

morlan75

sparhawkiw

I am sorry I can't offer any advice but personally I would beware of putting issues on computer forums as they can be read by anybody unless it is in members only sections, & even then it is far too easy to "not be who you appear to be, or to create a different identity" ...

Don't worry, I think Polgara will vouch for me on this & another couple of forums ...

mogs

good advice there.......

polgara

I do agree especially as there are pictures etc that are for all to see. I think generalisations are better & PMs even better. Smile