I know I'm sorry I hope I haven't offended anyone but I hooted when I heard it _________________ "If we reduce the amount of stuff we allow to accumulate in our lives, we won't have to organise it"
Elaine St James from her book 'Simplicity'
Male or Female? You might not have known this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES:
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object.... because to get them to go anywhere...you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES:
These are female...because they are soft.....squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS:
Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS:
Male... because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
_________________ "If we reduce the amount of stuff we allow to accumulate in our lives, we won't have to organise it"
Elaine St James from her book 'Simplicity'
Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'
When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted _________________ "If we reduce the amount of stuff we allow to accumulate in our lives, we won't have to organise it"
Elaine St James from her book 'Simplicity'
Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 3:01 pm Post subject: For Cat Lovers
How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle in the crook of the left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cats head firmly with one hand whilst forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats thoat vigourously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cats head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink beer to take away taste. Apply band aid to partners forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie little angels front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head verticle and pour 2 pints of water down cats throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to A & E, sit quietly whilst doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes tablet from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
10. Arrange RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters!. _________________ "If we reduce the amount of stuff we allow to accumulate in our lives, we won't have to organise it"
Elaine St James from her book 'Simplicity'
Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat..
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.......... _________________ "If we reduce the amount of stuff we allow to accumulate in our lives, we won't have to organise it"
Elaine St James from her book 'Simplicity'
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table
and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the
room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been £20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,
it's now £150.
_________________ "If we reduce the amount of stuff we allow to accumulate in our lives, we won't have to organise it"
Elaine St James from her book 'Simplicity'
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Join! (free) 
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
