The Potting Shed

Becki · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 8:14 am Post subject: Discipline

I am having a terrible time with my middle daughter aged 6. She is driving me to despair and I'm ashamed to say, I'm losing my temper.
Last night she was really rude to me, back chatting and generally being horrible. She lied about breaking her brand new swimming goggles and is ignoring any kind of punisment (like stopping treats etc) Her punishments are usually, not coming somewhere with me, stopping riding, things like that.

I was wondering if anyone has any other ideas because I'm starting to wonder whether we both need to get some professional help.
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Bovey Belle · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 8:20 am Post subject:

I think she's had a huge upheaval with the move Becki, which is probably influencing her a lot. Rather than having a head-to-head with her, perhaps try to side-step and come from a different angle on this? Negatives x several don't always = positive. Perhaps you could sit down with her and see if she is missing her old friends, having problems at her new school - something along those lines? Perhaps you could make sure you do something together, just you and her? I have a feeling it is something like that which is causing her rudeness to you. Big ((((HUGS)))) to you both.
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Kathy · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 8:30 am Post subject:

At age 6 children go through some major changes, I think I remember you saying the tooth fairy had visited and that's part of the change. It's a difficult time for them, a bit like puberty really.
E has had some spectacular tantrums lately, and also with the back chatting.
Everyone has different ways of dealing with it, we don't enter into a dialogue at all with her, just totally ignore any "shenanigans".
Like you, I've also found that the treat deprivation punishments just don't work, it creates a cycle which escalates the situation, if you know what I mean.
When she is quiet again after a tantrum, back chatting session, that's when we'll have a chat with her and ask how she is feeling and why she feels she needs to behave in such a way. Sometimes things come out like little worries that mean seem trivial to us but are a major thing to them. Sometimes she'll just say, "well I felt "crabbit" and cross. I think the important thing is not to react, that's what they are looking for and by ignoring them that is punishment enough.

Not sure if any of this will be a help to you Becki but most children do go through this phase and I'm sure there'll be a few forum members who have other "coping strategies". Smile

Kathy · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 8:33 am Post subject:

Oh yes, of course, she's had the whole moving thing too, a stressful time for the whole family. She's got a great Mum, Becki try not to worry too much.

Libby · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 9:47 am Post subject:

We used to have horrendous problems with Tori and it was really hard work but I had to stay on top of it. Stupid little things I totally ignored, obviously praising anything good no matter how little!
Lieing I would not tolerate in any way shape or form, I would make her sit on the stairs, where I could see her but she had nothing to do but think about what she had said for about 5 mins and then go back and talk very quitely to her.
Instant punishments work far better than, not going riding on Saturday, that just drags things out and causes resentment! No computer or Tv that night or for a hour or missing her favourite programme you know your daughter best.
An excellent way of giving her personal time is reading a bedtime story, we read to both our girls in their own rooms until they where into their teens!! They still talk about it now!! Obviously reading older books to them!

Stay calm, you love her to pieces really, just tell her how special she is to you!

xx
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Leonie2 · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 11:16 am Post subject:

I've had the back chatting thing with S too. Keep with it and remember all the changes from the move will be a big thing for a 6 year old. S gets very unsettled when things change and he shows it by being what appears to be deliberately difficult and naughty. It does pass but be firm and consistent with what you expect from them. Every year in Sept I have a problem with S, the change of year group to new teacher unsettles him enough to cause problems. I also think when things change it's a natural thing for children to push the boundaries to see what they can and can't do, keep the boundaries consistent and you'll probably find after a few weeks things will get back to normal. Remember not to lose your temper, if you feel you're heading that way try to give yourself some time out too, just to cool off, otherwise it will only make things worse.

I find sometimes the withdrawing of privelages doesn't work but offering a reward for good behaviour or trying hard does work. Have you tried a reward chart? I used to dismiss it but I've recently started one and it's working a treat. I have a few things on the chart, mostly quite easy to achieve things but I throw in a difficult one just to challenge things a bit. The easy things give them the confidence boost and the difficult one gets them trying that bit harder to achieve what I want. At the end of the week they get the reward so they're happy and during the week I see they're trying hard which makes me happy, so we're all happy. And I've also found that they generally try harder in everything, not just the things on their chart.

alison · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 1:29 pm Post subject:

What about time out for 5 mins, then a quick sorry, and forget about it.

If she then won't participate in this appology take off a star on the 2nd part - a good girl star chart, with a special treat at the end.

Proberbly she is a bit fed up too of being to young for things, or not having a space at rainbows.

kaz · Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 7:24 pm Post subject:

My advice would be the same as the others - I enjoy watching Supernanny - she is never 'training' the kids, just showing the parent how to cope with the children Very Happy

Lots of praise for positives and ingnore the minor negatives while you can.
Good Luck.
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