The Potting Shed

lloyd · 5 Star Club Joined: 17 Jun 2006 Posts: 2646

Sorry!!!!! Embarassed

That was a little harsh of me, I admit. Embarassed

Kathy · Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:58 am Post subject:

Lloyd, go and stand in the corner.................................

lloyd · 5 Star Club Joined: 17 Jun 2006 Posts: 2646

Just refound this, and it's such a beauty I thought I'd bump it back up!! Laughing

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Some of the finest double entendres on British TV &
> Radio:
>
> Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle
> up to a male
> astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
> coverage remarked: "They
> seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and
> he's only come in
> his shorts."
>
> Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his
> caddie Fanny
> Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some
> weeks Nick likes to
> use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by
> himself."
>
> Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
> Sports: "Stephen
> Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
> gets."
>
> Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre
> choice on World
> Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice
> earlier, and I bet he
> wished he had a hard on now."
>
> Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire
> winner Judith Keppel on This
> Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by
> herself in bed last night."
>
> 'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on
> jockey Tony McCoy's
> formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his
> legs and likes what
> he sees."
>
> Ross King discussing relays with champion runner
> Phil Redmond: "Well
> Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
>
> Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a
> Durham v Lancashire
> match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his
> lovely soft hands
> he just tossed it off."
>
> Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
> North said:
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you
> on a cold night like
> this."
>
> James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand
> Prix, asked: "What
> does it feel like being rammed up the backside by
> Barrichello?"
>
> Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros
> felt much better
> today after a 69."
>
> The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough
> Scott's breath
> away."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent
> erection."
>
> Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
> prepare for a big
> race when he said: "They usually have four or five
> dreams a night about
> coming from different positions."
>
> Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages
> on Time Team Live
> said:
> You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
> A female news anchor who, the day after it was
> supposed to have snowed
> and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So
> Bob, where's that
> eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only
> did HE have to leave
> the set, but half the crew did too, because they
> were laughing so hard!
>
> US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie
> (Arnold Palmer) is
> playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his
> wife takes out his
> balls and kisses them. Oh my god!!!!! What have I
> just said?!!!!"
>
> Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
> they've got
> eleven Dicks on the field."
>
> Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race
> 1977 - "Ah, isn't
> that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is
> kissing the Cox of the
> Oxford crew."
>
> Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is
> really a lovely horse.
> I once rode her mother."
>
> New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens
> loves it when Daryl
> Gibson comes inside of him."
>
> Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is
> Gregoriava from
> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was
> amazing!"
>
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Jesse
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Posted: 08 May 2006 08:19 pm Post subject:

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Becki
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Posted: 09 May 2006 05:48 am Post subject:

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Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear
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Plocket
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Posted: 09 May 2006 06:38 am Post subject:

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Crying laughing here!!! Thanks for an excellent start to the day!
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GREENWIZARD
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Posted: 10 May 2006 08:44 am Post subject:

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Greenlady
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Posted: 10 May 2006 05:09 pm Post subject:

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I think some of them must've been on purpose!!
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Lloyd
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Posted: 11 May 2006 09:32 pm Post subject:

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.

Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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Cabbagepatch
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Posted: 11 May 2006 09:51 pm Post subject:

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Lloyd, maybe its passed your bedtime

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Lloyd
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Posted: 11 May 2006 09:53 pm Post subject:

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Well I liked it!
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Jesse
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Posted: 12 May 2006 07:23 am Post subject:

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stupid parrot, my aunt had parrots and the things drove me nuts, it's true about them squawking incessantly and driving you nuts

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Haize
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Posted: 12 May 2006 08:03 am Post subject:

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I like that one. My mother in law has a parrot, and it squawks all the time she's on the phone to us, hurts your ear! Not the cuddliest things... I like pets you can actually hug!
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Lloyd
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Posted: 14 May 2006 09:05 am Post subject:

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Charles & Camilla

It's reported that on their wedding night the following took place:

As Camilla was making last minute preparations to walk down the
aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to
borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side. When the
day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to
their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla
flopped on the bed and said "Darling, please get these shoes off.
My feet are killing me." The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked
the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so
bl**dy tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed
"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and
said "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left
shoe.

"Oh my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir
to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said "That's my
boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
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Kathy
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Posted: 14 May 2006 09:27 am Post subject:

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Where on earth do you find them.....................
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Lloyd
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Posted: 14 May 2006 09:28 am Post subject:

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Put that one on for Mrutty!!
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Becki
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Posted: 14 May 2006 10:43 am Post subject:

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ROFL
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Lloyd
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Posted: 14 May 2006 10:39 pm Post subject:

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> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him,
and as
> he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man
says
> "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke, and turns to the ostrich
asking
> "What's yours"?
> "I'll have the same", says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be
> $6.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
> change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says
"I'll
> have a hamburger, fries and a Coke" and the ostrich says "I'll have
the
> same". Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the
exact
> change.
>
> This becomes a daily routine until late one evening, the two enter
again.
> "The usual", asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will
have
> a steak, baked potato and salad" says the man.
> "Same for me", says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will
> be $12.62". Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket
and
> places it on the table.
>
> The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir.
> How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
> pocket every time"?
>
> "Well", says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
I
> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two
> wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to
> pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the
right
> amount of money would always be there".
>
> "That's brilliant"! says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want
> for as long as you live"!
>
> "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact
> money is always there", says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "One other thing Sir. I just have to ask...
what's
> with the talking ostrich"?
>
> The man sighs and answers, "Oh, the ostrich. Well my second wish was
for
> a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say"!
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Becki
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Posted: 15 May 2006 06:03 am Post subject:

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Cabbagepatch
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Posted: 15 May 2006 07:01 am Post subject:

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Cabbagepatch
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Posted: 17 May 2006 10:11 am Post subject:

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David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

....

......

........

.............

.....................

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

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Lloyd
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Posted: 17 May 2006 02:54 pm Post subject:

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Lloyd
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Location: Mainly Bristol but sometimes Shropshire
Posted: 19 May 2006 07:26 pm Post subject: I particularly like this one!

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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, Amoxil is called Amoxicillin and Advil is called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Becki
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Posted: 20 May 2006 07:19 am Post subject:

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ROTFLMAO
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Cabbagepatch
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Posted: 21 May 2006 01:05 pm Post subject:

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Lloyd. Do behave!!!

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Jesse
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Posted: 21 May 2006 01:19 pm Post subject:

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how did I manage to miss that last joke!

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Kathy
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Posted: 21 May 2006 03:46 pm Post subject:

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Mr Kathy liked that one!!
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Lloyd
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Posted: 21 May 2006 03:50 pm Post subject:

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Happy to oblige. Hang on, I feel another one coming on..........
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Lloyd
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Posted: 21 May 2006 03:51 pm Post subject:

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An old Arab lives close to New York City.

He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e- mail.

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden.
I am sure if you were here you would help me dig up the garden."

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son at 3:45 pm:

"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I
have hidden 'the THING'. Love, Ahmed".

At 4:02 pm, the US Army, the Marines, the Rangers, the Police, officers from the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI and the CIA, visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything.

Disappointed they leave.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.

That's all I could do for you from here.

Love Ahmed.
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mrutty
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Posted: 21 May 2006 04:28 pm Post subject:

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The Porridge jokes are always the best.
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alison
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Posted: 21 May 2006 05:26 pm Post subject:

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Ah but oldie but goodie!

Thanks Lloyd

keep them coming

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Kathy
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Posted: 21 May 2006 05:28 pm Post subject:

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GREENWIZARD
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Posted: 24 May 2006 11:10 am Post subject:

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Cabbagepatch
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Posted: 24 May 2006 11:14 am Post subject:

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GREENWIZARD wrote:

Don't encourage him

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redwillowrose · Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 9:51 pm Post subject:

Erectile Dysfunction
On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 for?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
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lloyd · 5 Star Club Joined: 17 Jun 2006 Posts: 2646

Excellent! Smile

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Kathy · Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 12:38 pm Post subject:

Libby · Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 3:02 pm Post subject:

love it

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lloyd · 5 Star Club Joined: 17 Jun 2006 Posts: 2646

CP's moods have been so changeable lately that I bought her a mood ring, so that when I get in I can tell at a glance what her mood is. When she's in a good mood, the ring is bright green, but when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead. Maybe I should have bought her a diamond ring? Confused